Will & Connor!

Me and my friend Will Boesl have made a web show, the first of which is in this post.

The show will consist of series, which contain five episodes each. Please visit us at our myspace.

Here is Will & Connor Series One: Episode One: "Chairing"

Tips For Travel!

Here are a few tips if you decide on traveling any time soon:

• If you get nervous during plane turbulence, don't, just think about how in a car there are smooth roads and bumpy roads and the same is true with flying. Of course if you get nervous in a car you can just stop and park, if you try to do that in a plane... it may result in a severe case of deadness.
  
  
• DON'T use American Airlines.
  
  
• Know that all cab drivers drive like they're in an action movie... or on speed (bud-dum-chik).
  
  
• While looking at maps, asking for directions and taking pictures are all reasons for people to believe you're a tourist, nothing gives you away more than saying you're a tourist.
  
  
• DON'T... EVER use American Airlines.
  
  
• If you buy a shirt from the place you're visiting (i.e. New York City), don't get a shirt (or any other article of clothing) that just says the name of the city in obnoxious retarded bold lettering (i.e. NEW YORK CITY!). If you do, everyone will think you are a douche, even yourself.
  
  
• If you take more than thirty (30) photos a day, you should get a cat scan.

Well that is all, and remember... DON'T EVER EVER EVER EVER EVER use American Airlines.

Excelsior!

I want... no NEED a shirt that has Stan Lee's head on it, and the word "EXCELSIOR" written across the front in huge, arrogant and overbearing letters. A lot like the huge, arrogant and overbearing American flag in Spider-Man 3. Even though there isn't anything arrogant about America.

Holy Sh!ti

Here is part of Wikipedia's entry on the word "sh!t" (WARNING... NAUGHTY LANGUAGE):

"Shit carries an encompassing variety of figurative meanings. Of these, perhaps the most common are generic expressions of displeasure (as in, Shit!), fear (Oh, shit!), or surprise (Holy shit!).

Interestingly, in slang, prefixing the article the to shit gives it a completely opposite definition, meaning "The Best", as in "My mom's hashbrowns are the shit," or "Oregon Trail is the dope shit."

Shit denotes trouble, as in, "I was in a lot of shit"; low quality, as in, "That disk drive is shit" (see "piece of shit" below); unpleasantness, as in, "Those pants look like shit", or "This casserole tastes like shit"; or falsehood or insincerity, as in, "Don't give me that shit", or "You're full of shit" or surprised anger "Jim is totally going to flip his shit when he sees that we wrecked his bike"."

(END NAUGHTY LANGUAGE)

The fact that the article has the phrase "Oregon Trail is the dope sh!t." made me litterally wet myself.

Seriously...

If you feel like reading more of this sh!t just click here.

New Record!

I now have a record of 4:56.73, which is pretty good... but I need to get my cube lubed up or something, that would help a lot.

And on a side note:

The best sequel ever would be "A Very Brady Apocalypse".

And as a second side note:

I'm going to add a "current record" thing to the right hand side.

Zzzzzzzzzz!

Times when the phrase "You snooze, you lose" doesn't work particulary well:

If you have insomnia.
Sleeping contest.
When watching "From Justin to Kelly".
When flying (unless your plane is hijakced, then everyone loses).

Big Red!

Whenever you eat Big Red, you get delicious cinamin flavor and a tingle that you can't deny.

You also can't taste anything else for a month.

Four Eight Fifteen Sixteen Twenty-Three Forty-Two!

I think it's funny that because the show LOST is so serial in its format that if you would try to start watching now you would ironically be lost.

an domg did you see that new epzisode tonite?? it was lik etoally awesum i cannto believ ethat juliet said whats he said aboutjack i was like..OMG>...ihope he forgivez katre tho...awell ig otta go, laetrs.!

Open Mic Night Two!

There are way too many complicated candy bars out there... first there was chocolate... and it was good.

Then there was chocolate and peanut butter, along with chocolate and caramel... and it was good.

Then they added nougat to the mix, and it was good.

Then they started messing with us.

Chocolate, peanut butter, caramel, nougat, and nuts.

Chocolate, peanut butter, caramel, nougat, nuts and candy sprinkles.

Chocolate, peanut butter, caramel, nougat, nuts, candy sprinkles, and pretzel.

Chocolate, peanut butter, caramel, nougat, nuts, candy sprinkles, pretzel, and white chocolate.

You would think it would be eaiser to package these types of things seperately, and then people could buy what they want, and stuff it all in there mouth at the same time.

It would be more cost efficient because of the extra cost of packaging to us, and because more people with nut allergies would buy the individual pieces, unless they were really stupid.

Don't Squeeze The Charmin Strikes Again!

Well here is the real story of what happened:

Someone, who I'm going to call Roger, is a douche bag... a bag of douche, if you will.

Well this last week Roger was threatening me that he was going to wrap my house... apparently bad.

My friend Steve Torres told me he was going to do it Saturday night.

I was worried Roger was going to egg my house or fork my yard, so I threatened him that I would call the cops (I also probably said that because I really really don't like him).

Well I woke up Saturday morning, and went outside and thought at first Roger just went a day early, even though it was a real crappy job.

I especially thought he did it because of two prank phone calls I got from him (he has a recognizible voice) at two o'clock.

Turns out though he was in Dallas and just felt like being a bag douche... a douche bag, if you will, with the prank calls.

Steve was the one who "wrapped" my house (for giving a friend directions to wrap his house), but the reason the wrapping job sucked was because he was scared I would call the cops... which I would have... on Roger...

See Steve is my friend so I don't care if he wraps my house (he didn't want to egg it or anything), but Roger is not, so I did care.

So that is how it went down... House was wrapped badly because of fear of something I wouldn't have done to the wrappers that did it, Steve is a good guy and didn't want to egg my house like Roger did...

And Roger is a douche bag... a bag of douche, if you will.

Don't Squeeze The Charmin!

A couple of people (the only one of whom I know the identity of, I dislike) attempted to wrap my house last night. And technically they suceeded, but only if you count wraping about... four-five trees at the very front of my huge tree-infested yard "wrapping my house".

I hope the people who did it know that you are supposed to get out of the car to wrap a house.

Pictures and some video later.

Open Mic Night One!

I like going to Walgreens and Walmart... but I think it's ironic they both have "wal" in there names...

If McDonalds, Starbucks and Mexicans changed their names to McWalnolds, Walbucks and Walbacks (respectively), I would have to assume, something is amiss.

To The Left And The Right!

Read this poem by Robert Frost...

This one here.

It's called "Birches".

Read it now, then read the rest of this post.

Okay, now read the poem again, but this time, every time you see the word "birches" replace the "r" with a "t"... and replace the word "trees" with "prostitutes".

It would also help if you had a Dave Chappelle stand-up special going on in the background.

Message!

I think its ironic and racist that Salma Hayek got engaged and pregnant at the same time.

I also think its racist to use the term "blackpack" and sexist to hold doors open for women, but I'm pretty sure only one of those is wrong.

This Is MY BLOG!

A funny story I found on a web forum my friend freqeunts (I didn't write this):

"I haven't seen 300 yet. When I went to see it, I was banned from my cineplex shortly before the movie began.

We had all lined up in front of the theater for about 30 minutes, and then they brought us in. I had to stand right beside these two fat, horse-faced lesbians eating each others tongues like they were making a political statement or something.

So, like 30 minutes later, we end up shuffling in the theater and these f#cking b!tches start b!tching about having to wait when the movie is about to start. Mind you, it was 11 and the movie was a midnight showing.

It turns out they were going to see that stupid Jim Carey movie and they were missing it. So, the ugliest of the two b!tches just exclaims like no one is there "this is the wrong f#cking movie!"

I just had to do what I did next.

I shouted at the top of my lungs "This is SPARTA!" and kicked her in the chest, causing her to fall down about 8 steps to the floor.

Most were shocked, but about 80% of the theater started to cheer, and I was forcibly thrown out by 2 officers. Apparently, charges are going to be pressed against me, but it was worth it."

Media violence at it's best.

What's The Deal?!

Some jokes:

"What's the difference between [SOMEONE YOU HATE] and a sack of sh!t?...

THE SACK!"


"What's the deal with Airline food? You get this little frozen Cordon Blue hobby kit and then they just expect you to make it yourself... what are we... poor people?"

and

"An Amish guy walks into a bar."

ICDb!

You know what would be horrible? An Internet Commercial DataBase... like IMDb but instead of movies and television shows, it would be about commercials and T.V. spots.

Now I know what you are thinking, "Why would you want that anyways?"

A: I dunno.

Q: "Okay... well why would it be bad?"

Well the normal stuff would be okay, but the forums on IMDb are horrible... you go in there and every movie has about five thousand "WORST MOVIE EVER" threads and about ten thousand "THIS MOVIE BLOWS" and everyone there acts like cannibals.

Multiply that by five hundred (because of the stupidity of all commercials) then by three hundred (because of how many commercials there are) then divide by two hundred (because of the length).

It would be seven hundred and fitfty times as worse as IMDb.

BAD. REAL BAD. HEAD ASPLODE BAD.

Anna Nicole Smith The New Marylyn Monroe?!

Maybe if Marylyn Monroe was a drug addict who died at an early age.

Snooze!

Top Five Worst Places to Fall Asleep (in ascending order):

5: Subway

4: In a car... while driving

3: At a basketball game

2: In a massage chair at sharper image

1: Your friend's house

Begining...!

Have you noticed that while you can say "From start to finish" or "From begining to end" but you can't say either "From start to end" or "From begining to finish" unless you want to sound really stupid.